Gold, Frankincense and Beer Shower Jelly by Alex

[Edit February 28th. Frequent typos and hamfistish mishmash of metaphor and tin-eared lyricism)

About the Item:

Gold, Frankincense and Beer Shower Jelly

3.5 oz. for 7.95 (Season/discontinued)

This item contains: Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Glycerin, Stout (Beer), Mandarin & Star Anise Infusion (Citrus Nobilis & Illicium Verum), Propylene Glycol, Mandarin Juice (Citrus Nobilis), Carrageenan Extract (Chondrus crispus), Perfume, Orange Oil (Citrus dulcis), Clove Bud Oil (Eugenia caryophyllus), Black Pepper Oil (Piper nigrum), Cinnamon Leaf Oil (Cinnamomum cassia), Fine Sea Salt (Sodium Chloride), *Citral, *Eugenol, *Limonene, *Linalool, Methylparaben, Golden Sparkles (Polyethylene Terephthalate).

My Review:

Soap + Biblical allusions + beer = awesome? Yeah. It actually kind of does. Who would have thought?

Now, I’m not really the shower-jelly type (for reasons I shall elucidate later on), nor am I especially into beer. Gold, however, I am all about. Actually, let me back up. I’m not that into drinking beer. The occasional cold-one aside, I mostly use beer to steam my hotdogs (try it. Your mouth will love you for the rest of your life) or fix a broken chili, so I’m pretty well aware of beer’s alternative uses. That being said, I had never really considered it for cosmetic purposes until now. I believe I’ve heard of people shampooing with beer, but I’ve never quite understood why. And if it’s so great, why is pouring a beer on someone’s head in a bar such an insult?

Sally actually gave this item to me for Christmas (bless her soul) and contented, though I was, to have something other than a bag full of coal, I found myself a bit apprehensive at first. Looking at it through its little plastic tub I imagined it reeking of Guinness and incense like an Irish monastery. After peeling off the top and giving it a good whiff, I was actually quite pleased. It smelled a lot like root-beer, actually, with a warm note of Cinnamon and spice. Not overpowering, not too mild.

Compositionally most of the ingredients make sense. Citrus oils to cleanse, pepper to exfoliate and stimulate, salt to balance PH, clove to sooth– all excellent aggregates for soap. But what about the beer!? After some research I discovered that a lot of people actually do the beer-shampoo thing and even beer-baths (sound expensive and sticky) because beer contains vitamin B2, which stimulates growth and repair in hair, skin and nails. Sounds pretty awesome. Maybe that’s why Wolverine’s always knockin’ em’ back in the comics. Also it could explain his totally bitchin’ chops and hair.

“So wait, if I use GF&B I’ll look like Wolverine and be able to heal mortal wounds instantly?!” Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down, dear reader. I thought the same thing at first and although my tests proved negative for signs of Wolverinization, it was impressive on many other levels. As I said before, I’m not much of a jelly person, by which I mean I’ve always felt a little strange about using a wad of jello to wash with. I’m getting used to it, but it is a little odd. Lush recommends you pinch off a chunk and lather it into a loofah. This seems to be the most effective, but it’s also possible to just grab the whole chunk and rub it on yourself. This works well for me because I have a lot of chest hair that works to build up the lather (was that too much? I never know), but for most people (girly men and girly ladies) the pinch-and-lather technique is probably your best bet.

Lathering was a chief concern, having used Lush shower gels before and run into complications. I need a good lather and because they don’t use any synthetic foaming agents, sometimes you can’t really get good, fluffy suds. I was very impressed by GF&B, however. It lathers quite well on my natural man-fur or in a loofah.

I’m also fairly impressed by how long this stuff lasts. I assumed that the jelly texture would make it break down more easily, but depending on how sparingly you pinch off chunks, you can make it go as long as a normal bar of soap.

I haven’t noticed any major differences in my skin since I started using this stuff, but then again I wouldn’t expect to. I abuse my skin on a pretty regular basis between sculpting and playing rugby and I’m fairly oblivious to stuff like that anyway. It does make me feel very clean after using it, however, and the smell stays with me for a long time.

Bottomline, if you like root-beer and want to smell like it, this is the stuff for you. Oh, and the gold is a nice touch as well

Bang-for-your-Buck Rating: $$

Over-all Rating: 4

Seanik Solid Shampoo by Alex

About the Item

Seanik Solid Shampoo

1.9 Oz. for $9.95

One size only

The Official Lush Website says that “this little puck of joy buffs and shines like no liquid can. A couple of swipes worked up into a lather to moisturize the scalp, breathe life into the lifeless and shine your hair like a champ. Economical and easy to use, Seanik’s citrus and seaweed combo enriches and enlivens while its fragrance entices all who cross your path. Now proudly SLS-free.”

Sodium Coco-Sulfate, Irish Moss Gel (Chondrus crispus), Perfume, Nori Seaweed (Fucus vesiculosus), Sea Salt (Sodium Chloride), Lemon Oil (Citrus limonum), Mimosa Absolute (Mimosa tenuiflora), Orange Blossom Absolute (Citrus dulcis), Jasmine Absolute (Jasminum officinale), Cocamide DEA, *Limonene, FD&C Blue No.1

My Review:

Like many of my generation, I’ve oft romanticized the bourgeois vagrant lifestyle. Sleeping on couches, getting by on the kindness of others, making friends on the road and carrying everything you’ve got on your back. It’s a very early-American (in a good way) kind of yearning for simple comforts and joyous freedom. Freedom from oppressive institutions that try and keep you in the suburbs, working for the man, squeezing chemical shampoo out of gigantic bottles, happy to be chained to synthetic ultra-shine haircare products. And that’s really what Seanik Solid Shampoo bar is all about. Mobility, sustainability and limited liability (and the award for Best Segue of the Year goes to…)

First and foremost, why should you use a solid shampoo when there are plenty of excellent (debatable) bottled shampoos out there? For one thing, each little cake of this soap is equal to 3 regular sized bottles of shampoo. I’ll say that again, because honestly, it’s amazing. 3 regular bottles worth. I mean, cost effectiveness alone should make this product an instant 5 out of 5. But the hits don’t stop there. Let’s take a walk, shall we?

As I eluded to in the opening paragraph, solid shampoos are incredibly convenient for the traveler, student or anyone who sees portability as a priority. I don’t know how many of you have ever though about this, but liquid shampoos are a huge hassle when you’re trying to pack light. Most come in huge bottles, spill easily and can’t be taken in any sufficient quantity on airplanes. I’ve always just circumvented this problem by leaving shampoo out of my toiletry kit, which means I usually just make do with my regular bar of soap. Of course, this usually leads to tangled, dry, damaged hair and dandruff. I mean, it works in a pinch, but knowing I can just pop this compact little puck into a tin and not have to worry about it is pretty effing sweet.

Okay, so the ‘medium,’ so to speak, is awesome. Let me get down to why this particular solid shampoo kicks ass. The first thing I always notice on a product like this is the smell. Seanik has a rich, mossy scent, a bit floral, a little citrusy with slight smoky undertones. Definitely inspired by the ocean breeze. One of my big qualms with most shampoos is that they smell too synthetic and perfumey and after a few hours your hair just smells like, well, hair. Or at worst, wet marmot. Seanik smells fresh and organic (because it is fresh and organic) and the fragrance stays in your hair all day. Siq.

Seanik definitely makes a good lather, which is impressive because it is SLS-free. For those who don’t know, SLS is a compound normally added to soaps and shampoos to make them lather more and feel thicker and more concentrated. It’s also normally used as a de-greaser and industrial cleaning solution. In other words, not something you want in your hair. A lot of people don’t like Lush shampoos because they don’t leave your hair feeling sleek and smooth afterward, which is essentially because other shampoos leave nasty chemicals in your hair to make them feel artificially smooth. Personally I like knowing and feeling that my hair is clean when I finish washing it. Some people don’t, but they’re dorks and I don’t like them. Just saying.

As for the beauty benefits of the soap, I can’t really say I’ve noticed a huge difference. I have relatively short hair and, well, I’m a boy, so I don’t pay very close attention to the level of shine or volume. Not that gender has much to do with it, but I’m more worried about whether my hair looks stupid than whether it looks good. Nah mean? I’m not saying one way or another whether the seaweed and orange blossoms help with these things, but they definitely don’t hurt the composition of the soap. Bottom line is, it cleans well, it smells amazing and it’s incredibly long lasting. Enough said.

TIP: To make this shampoo last longer, keep it dry! Don’t leave it soaking in your shower. Take it out of your shower after every use, pat it dry with a towel and leave it to dry in a tin or a soap dish.

Bang-for-Your-Buck Rating: $$$

Overall Rating: 4.5

Coalface Cleanser by Alex

About the Item

Coalface Cleanser

3.5 oz for $10.95

Available in any size 3.5 oz and up

The Official Lush website says that Coalface “removes impurities and tones” and is good for normal to oily skin types.

The soap contains: Liquorice Root Decoction (Glycyrrhiza glabra), Propylene Glycol, Sodium Palm Kernelate, Sodium Stearate, Rosewood Oil (Aniba rosaeordora), Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, Powdered Charcoal, Sandalwood Oil (Santalum album), Glycerine, Sodium Chloride, EDTA, Tetrasodium Etidronate, *Linalool, Perfume, Silver Edible Lustre (Potassium aluminum silicate, Titanium dioxide, Iron oxides and hydroxides).

My Review

In a lot of ways, this soap is like Robert the Bruce’s victory over the English army at the Battle of Bannockburn: NO ONE saw that one coming. Which is actually the only way this soap is like the Battle of Bannockburn. The point is, I don’t think anyone would look at licorice –the jelly beans you always eat last because they taste like shoe polish – and charcoal – a cosmetic chiefly worn by English street urchins a’la Oliver Twist – and say, hey, that would make a sweet facial cleanser. But somehow, this soap manages to defy conventional wisdom and cleanse a dirty, greasy face like no other, while simultaneously upending all we have come to expect from charcoal and licorice in the past 10,000 years of human existence.

I was intrigued by this soap for many reasons, not the least of which being that many people swear by it for general skin care and acne relief. In fact, I’ve heard that a lot of people switched to Coalface from Proactiv Solution because they found that it worked better (also it’s cheaper and all-natural).

In addition to licorice and charcoal, this soap contains a fairly sturdy soap base derived from palm oil, and with a number of fragrances, some sandalwood oil and a little bit of edible silver. Yeah. That’s right. Silver. Weird huh? Anyway, licorice is a natural demulcent (soothing agent) and has restorative properties that help heal damaged skin.

Sounds like a good thing to put in soap to me, but what’s up with the charcoal? Well, as anyone who has ever swallowed bleach and made it to the emergency room knows, charcoal absorbs and neutralizes toxins (which is why you have to swallow activated charcoal after the stomach pump). The same principle works in cosmetic applications; the charcoal absorbs and neutralizes excess oils, dirt and grime from your skin, as well as adding a light exfoliant to the mixture. Think of the charcoal particles as little sponges that suck up all the nasty crap on your face and grind away dead skin cells. Pretty badass huh?

So I grabbed a sample of the stuff at the Lush store a few days ago and busted it out as soon as I hopped in the shower. The first thing I noticed as I lathered up was that it did not smell quite as pleasant as most Lush products. In fact, it smelled like Windex, which was a little unsettling. But the nice, gritty texture of the charcoal was pleasant enough, and when I rinsed it off, hot damn, did I feel clean. My face was tingly and literally ‘squeaked’. I’ve used a number of face washes before, and probably my biggest problem with them was that they either A: left my face too greasy or too dry, or B: were so harsh with their benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid that they actually triggered more breakouts. Coalface did neither and didn’t even leave my skin dry (though I still recommend you moisturize, lest your face flip out and overcompensate for the lost oils with gnarly nose grease).

Hate it or love it, the underdog’s on top, to quote 50 Cent. This is one of my favorite Lush products, and one of the few that I would consider my ‘staples.’ The only con I can think of is the smell, which you’ll get over quickly. It’s not like benzoyl peroxide or any of the other synthetic alternatives smell any better. I do wish that they had been a little more clever with the name (Bits of carbon + rough texture = Diamonds in the Rough is a way better name?), but I really can’t fault them on it.

Bang for your Buck Rating: $$$

Overall Rating: 4.5